It has happened: the time when we all tell ourselves (and everyone within earshot depending on just how much we have had to drink) just how dramatically our life is about to change. Of course it is. Of course we sincerely mean every word of it. Just like we have on the other New Year’s eves. Many of us are champion resolution makers: making, good; doing, not so good. Sure, we would have made those necessary changes earlier than now, but we all know that you can’t do it in October or November, and don’t even talk about December; that would be simply ridiculous with new year so close! January is the official ‘start-time’ for change – everybody knows that. Whatever your goal – richer, thinner, happier, more relaxed, more balanced, healthier..no matter, it all happens on January 1st. For a week at least. This year, we may even stretch it to two.
- I will not tell the same story at every get together.
- Next time I see a UFO I won’t tell anybody about it.
- I will try to figure out why I really need nine e-mail addresses.
- I resolve to work with neglected children – my own.
- I will eat ice-cream at midnight – every midnight of the year, I mean, not just this one.
- Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
- I will never squat again with my spurs on.
- I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet – lol.
- I will think of a password other than “password” or my name.
- I will only eat things that move; vegetables are definitely out.
- Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.
- I will always check for paper when entering the restroom.
- I will always wear clean underwear, “just in case”.
- I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
- I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.
- I will stop caring more about the breed of Obama’s new dog than his policies.
- I will curb my use of ring tones that are cool to me.
- I will stop shopping and talking on the cell phone simultaneously.
- I will finally throw away all my old magazines. Really.
- I will watch more TV to catch up on all those programs I missed, because now they are cool.
And of course the biggest of them all:
I will stick to these resolutions for more than a week.
I will get a freaking life.