The Mega List of Chuck Norrisisms
1. There is no Theory of Of Evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity… Twice!!
3. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
4. The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
5. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
6. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
7. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
8. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t foolish enough to attack him.
9. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
10. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known as Giraffes.
11. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table of elements, Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
12. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
13. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
14. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
15. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper. The only problem was it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
16. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
17. Google won’t search for Chuck Norris. It knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
18. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
19. When Chuck Norris was born, only the Doctor cryed. Never Slap Chuck Norris.
20. There are only 2 things that can cut Diamonds: Other Diamonds and Chuck Norris.
21. Chuck Norris has 2 speeds. Walk and Kill.
22. What happens when the Unstoppable Force meets the Inmovable Object? They mate and give birth to Chuck Norris.
23. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
24. What was the last thing in the mind of a Chuck Norris’ victim before he dies? His shoe.
25. There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
26. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
27. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
28. He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
29. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
30. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned it would be possible for two Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to meet. This contact would possibly end the universe.
31. Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
32. Chuck Norris can watch 60 Minutes in 20.
33. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
34. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
35. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
36. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
37. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
38. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
39. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
40. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
41. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They actually made him blink.
42. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
43. According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
44. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of Tennis.
45. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
46. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass… at night.
47. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
48. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
49. Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
50. When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he racks open a chicken.
51. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once, to Grave with you.
52. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper, Chuck Norris beats all.
53. When you say “no one’s perfect”, make sure Chuck Norris is not nearby.
54. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
55. Chuck Norris is suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
56. Newton’s Third law is wrong: for every action there is an opposite reaction. There is no strong enough reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
57. Chuck Norris never goes to a dentist, his teeth are perfect. His enemies don’t go either, their teeth are nowhere to be found.
58. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake, before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
59. Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes, only on necks.
60. Love doesn’t hurt, Chuck Norris does.
61. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. It’s a shame he never cries.
62. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a fan club, he clubs fans.
63. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as The Islands.
64. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
65. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
66. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
67. In his will, Chuck Norris has specified that if he dies, he will bury himself.
68. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
69. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.
70. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
71. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.