Halloween rules! Free candy, hot girls dressing provocatively, and costume parties. Sometimes however, the costume parties suck, ugly girls trick you by dressing all hot, and neighbors give out the nastiest candy on Earth. So, because of that, here they are… the 11 “treats” you pray you don’t get this Halloween.
What kid wants those stale as hell individually wrapped popcorn balls that taste like paper?
9. Plain Old Raisins / Apples
Just don’t. What is this, the 19th century – people, we have candy now, available at the store! Unless they’re in an oatmeal raisin cookie, or covered with chocolate, we just don’t want it. These go in cereal and snack bars, period.
8. Candy Corn
As a matter of fact, and I think I speak for all kids when I say this, if you bought a bag of this yellow, orange and brown crap to give out to trick or treaters this year, do us all a favor and just don’t open the door. You said, “No, I’ll stay away from the fun pack of Skittles, and instead give out these things that are made of wax, taste nothing like corn and look like homeless people’s teeth.”
7. Toffee – AKA Toothpullers
It may taste good, but with the amazing suction strength that these little buggers have, this is the sure fire way of losing your teeth. Problem, these are not the baby teeth any more – they aren’t supposed to come out.
6. Dirty Pennies
Pennies are ok … when you’re tossing them in a wishing well (even though that shit never works)! Giving out pennies on Halloween for anything other than the charity box is simply wrong – we want candies. If you’re going to give out money stick to the paper; now that is cool.
Honestly, this holiday is about the stuff that is bad for your teeth. Most parents will make sure that their kids brush after gobbling all that sugar and candy, so lay off the passive aggressive metaphor of giving out a toothbrush! If i wanted dental cleaning instruments, I wouldn’t have come to your house, I would have went to the store.
First off, this isn’t even candy. Here’s how it’s supposed to work: when I come to the door and say “Trick or Treat,” you’re supposed to either do something scary that entertains me, or give me a treat, preferably both. Now some people think these are treats, but I can assure you they’re not. If you don’t believe me, just Google “halloween treats” and tell me if you see any pencils. See also: stickers, coupons, etc.
May as well be handing out styrofoam packaging peanuts. These may not be the best treats, however they are good for throwing at people that give you bad candy. So if you don’t want to get something thrown at you, I suggest not even looking at these when you go to the grocery store.
2. Raw Veggies of Any Type
Most kids get the whole healthy food thing in their lunch bags for school, and at home for dinner. Halloween is supposed to the day of escape – junk food for free; so why would they want a bag of baby carrots or other veggie in their pillowcase on Halloween? Give the kids a break for one day during the year!
1. Religious Crap
This is the wrong time to be pushing the faith, pure and simple. If you don’t get into the Halloween spirit, then just turn off the porch light and stay in the house. Nobody wants to be converted or preached to, and they sure as hell don’t want to empty the candy bag at the end of the night and find crappy religious messages instead of candies – really!