Dating in itself is hellish enough, so why would you want to mix it up with something from the deep dark legends of the grave? Maybe that would add some kicks and give a little something cool to the mundane world of dating, but still, dating a vampire would suck, and here are ten reasons why.
10. Everyone hates a biter.
Your buddy Count Nipalot is going to want to bite you constantly. And sure, the first few times are fun if you’re into that, but after a while, you’re going to get anemic and then you’re going to have to eat more spinach. So thin about that: biting and spinach. (But some actually like biters, so this reason may fall off your list….)
9. They don’t like garlic…and now you can’t either.
Remember all those fun times and delicious meals you had at your local favorite Italian bistro? Hold that thought, because those were the last bread sticks and meatballs you’ll ever ingest, because garlic breath,while never really a good thing on a date to begin with, will kill your date this time – quite literally.
8. They’re invisible in mirrors and dont show up in pictures.
Vampires can’t see their own reflections. That means your bloodlusty date will be depending on you to tell him what he looks like every day for as� long as you might live, or continue dating, whichever comes first. “Do these pants make me look hippy?” “Does this cape make me look fey?” “Is my widow’s peak too derivative of Grandpa Munster?” Natter, natter, natter. And forget about ever having any pics for the photo album – trade in the posterity for a fur-lined coffin.
7. Cant get married in a church.
That whole fear of crosses thing – just wont work if you ever expect the relationship to get anywhere. Really, do you want to invest that time into dating and bonding when there is just no future in it. I mean, how would your family react to no church wedding (and the only time you can do it is after dark).
6. Stranger in a strange land syndrome
Have you ever gone to a foreign country and met one of your countrymen out of the blue and suddenly, you two are best friends because there’s no one else like you within a 50 mile radius? Count Lonelypants is going to do that too. He’ll want to be friends with every other vampire he runs into. And then he’ll drag them back to your place and they’ll stay up all night drinking hamsters and talking about how much Transylvania’s changed and how you never want to let him bite you anymore even though you guys used to bite each other like bunnies four or five times a day. Wah, wah, wah!
5. He’ll relate to every vampyric pop culture reference ever made.
Want to make a joke about “Twilight? Blade? Dracula? Lesbian Vampires?” Your vampire date will sulk for days. Casually mention that no vampire will ever be better than Uncle Fester? He’ll lock himself in his casket for a week. Declare that Coppola’s “Dracula” wasn’t as bad as you remembered? He’ll freeze you out for months. Even worse, he’ll get all excited about the vampires he likes — Count Chocula, Bram Stoker, Ann Rice. And dont even get started on werewolves….
4. Gets skittish around the word “stake.”
No more backyard BBQs or Steak House Supreme for you. The first time he hears “$9.99 for a 6 ounce steak” he’s going to run like a pretty little girl, and berate you for your insensitivity.
3. He’ll be all arrogant and authoritative about vampire lore.
Could Bugs Bunny really turn that vampire into a bat by saying, “Hocus Pocus?” Would the mullets of “The Lost Boys” have been accepted within the stylist wheelhouse? Do fang whiteners really work? And how the hell do you floss overgrown incisors anyway? You wil hear all about it, and probably in a fancy voice.
Some of your more old school and debonair vampires likely will wear capes, better suited to sweeping departures down dark alleys and hiding stolen watches for sale after baseball games. That’s all well and good, but here’s your problem. Have you ever tried to hang up a cape? It’s impossible! There’s no shoulders or sleeves; they just slide right off the hanger. So then you just drape them over a chair right? No, because then they get wrinkled. How about hanging them over a balcony? Again with the wrinkles. You could pin them to something, but then there’s holes in the fabric. You, quite literally, will spend weeks trying to figure out what to do with this�damn cape.
1. They can’t go outside in the daytime.
Honestly, you might as well be dating a well-dressed rock for all the daytime action you won’t be enjoying with this dead weight around your neck. No days out at the art fair or trips to the ballgame. Even if you somehow get him to the beach, he’ll just embarrass you with his gamy white skin before bursting into flames and taking his shame with him. And in the time it takes him to immolate, you wouldn’t even be able to roast a marshmallow. Vampires even ruin beach s’mores. Jerks.